Navigating the Challenge of a Retired Parent Wanting to Work

How to Support a Parent with Dementia Who Thinks They Need to Go to Work

Caring for a parent with dementia comes with many challenges, and one that can be particularly difficult is when they insist they need to go to work—even though they’ve been retired for years. This can be confusing and emotional, both for you and for them. But with the right approach, you can handle these moments with patience, kindness, and a little creativity.

Why Does This Happen?

If your parent is convinced they need to go to work, it’s not just random confusion—it’s often tied to something deeper. Work may have been a huge part of their identity, giving them purpose, structure, and a sense of accomplishment. As dementia affects their memory, they may forget that they’re retired but still hold onto the feeling that they should be doing something meaningful.

For many, this is a way of trying to regain control in a world that’s becoming increasingly unfamiliar. Understanding that their insistence isn’t stubbornness—it’s a real feeling of responsibility—can help you approach the situation with more compassion.

The Emotional Toll on Caregivers

Hearing your parent talk about work as if it’s still part of their daily life can be heartbreaking. You might feel sad, frustrated, or even unsure how to respond. It can also be exhausting when every morning starts with the same conversation: "I need to get to the office."

Balancing their emotions with your own can feel overwhelming. It’s okay to feel drained, but remember—you’re not alone in this. Many Caregivers face the same challenge, and there are ways to make it easier for both of you.

Why Telling the Truth Doesn’t Always Work

Our instinct is often to correct our loved ones—"Mum, you haven’t worked in ten years!"—but this can backfire. Dementia changes the way the brain processes information, and logical explanations often lead to more confusion and distress. Your parent might not remember retiring, but they do remember the emotions connected to their job.

Telling them they’re wrong may only make them more anxious or defensive. Instead of forcing reality, a more helpful approach is to meet them where they are emotionally while gently guiding the conversation in a different direction.

A Real-Life Example: Dan’s Story

Dan, a former accountant, starts every morning by putting on his suit, convinced he has a full day of work ahead. His daughter, Sarah, used to remind him that he retired years ago, but this only led to frustration. Now, she takes a different approach.

When Dan asks about work, Sarah doesn’t argue. Instead, she says, “You’ve got a quiet day today. Why don’t we grab a coffee before you head in?” This helps ease his anxiety and shifts his focus to something positive.

Later in the day, Sarah might gently steer the conversation toward memories of his career: “You always worked so hard—what was your favourite part of your job?” Talking about his past in a relaxed way helps him feel heard without reinforcing the idea that he still needs to work.

How to Reassure Without Confrontation

If your parent insists they have to get to work, here are some ways to respond that offer reassurance rather than confrontation:

• Acknowledge their feelings: “That sounds important! Tell me more about your job.”
• Gently redirect: “You’ve got the day off today—let’s enjoy it.”
• Create a comforting routine: If mornings are stressful, introduce a new ritual like a slow breakfast or a short walk to ease the transition into the day.
• Incorporate their work identity: If they were a teacher, they might enjoy helping a grandchild with reading. If they were a builder, a small DIY project could be engaging.

It’s about helping them feel valued and purposeful in a way that fits their current reality.

Practical Tips for Easing Their Anxiety

Here are some small but effective ways to handle these moments with patience and care:

• Listen without correcting – Sometimes, they just need to talk about work. Let them share memories without worrying about whether they’re accurate.
• Use distraction techniques – If they’re fixated on leaving for work, suggest an alternative activity that feels productive, like sorting papers or making a shopping list.
• Keep a journal – Track what responses work best on different days. Dementia symptoms fluctuate, and what works one day may not work the next.
• Encourage new routines – If mornings are particularly difficult, adjust the schedule to make transitions smoother.
• Validate their purpose – Help them find other ways to feel needed, such as folding laundry, helping prepare meals, or offering advice on something they know well.

Flexibility is Key

One of the hardest things about dementia is that what works today might not work tomorrow. Being flexible and adapting to their needs on any given day can make a huge difference.

If one morning they’re determined to go to work, you might suggest a “work from home” day and set them up with an old briefcase and some papers to sort. On another day, a simple “Let’s grab a cup of tea first” might be enough to shift their focus.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, so give yourself permission to try different strategies and see what helps the most.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

Supporting a parent with dementia is incredibly tough, and moments like these can be frustrating and emotionally draining. But every time you respond with kindness, every time you ease their worry instead of arguing, and every time you find a way to help them feel valued—you’re making a real difference.

It’s okay to have hard days. What matters is that you’re showing up, doing your best, and offering love and reassurance in the ways that you can. That’s more than enough.

FAQs: Handling a Parent’s Desire to Work